I have said it once, I have said it twice, I have said it, like, a lot.
I am not FUCKING festive.
...Not even sorry.
(I'm a little sorry, because I know some of you are festive and look to the internet for festive inspiration. I wish I could be better and give it to you, but not enough to actually try."
Despite my lack of festivity, the one thing I do like about Halloween is getting drunk. (Not in the OMG-let's-pay-100-bucks-to-go-to-a-shitty-party-at-a-shitty-bar-and-get-wasted way. Those parties are the worst and New Years is the same. Rookie night, is what my high school economics teacher so aptly named these holidays. Maybe not the best topic for high school economics class but, hey, now you know why I don't understand economics.) Unfortunately, people get mad if I show up to the party in regular clothes, so I decided to make an easy and cheap costume.
Ingredients for the perfect costume:
1. Coverage. It's fucking October 31st. I'm cold.
2. Cheap. I'm talking zero dollars. Not 20, not 5, not even 2. Why would I buy shit that I never plan to use again.
3. Comfortable. No matter how great you are at drinking, you're gonna get sloppy. Eventually. Sloppy is so much worse when you are wearing a difficult outfit. You know what I'm talking about. We have all been that asshat who wore that complicated leotard under a romper with tights on a heavy night of drinking. Not your best look, was it? You did not get any ass that night, did you? Mostly because the boys were like, "How the HELL am I going to get that shit off!? NEXT."
4. No special makeup. Similar to my rant in item number 3, heavy makeup and heavy drinking are not a good combination. What happens when you start crying because you realize you have the most amazing friends in the world and you love them so much and OMG you are the luckiest bitch alive? Your going to look like SHIT, that's what. [Sidenote: For the record, I am not a drunk crier. Just need to get that out there.]
5. Look bangin'. I know this is pretty contrary to the comfortable coverage situation, but the truth is one can look tastefully hot.
All these requirements remind me of picking out an outfit for my first day of high school: take monumental time and effort to ultimately look effortlessly cool. The good news is I think I figured it out for my pending costume. And I am planning to show you how you can too. Next week. After I make it. This weekend.
In the meantime, since you probably want to get started on your costume this weekend as well (you festive asshole) I have scoured the internet to find this AM-AH-ZING youtube video that pretty accurately expresses any costume advice I would offer to you, my dear reader:
I am going to start slinking around the East Village to find these chicks and make them my friends. (In the least creepy way possible.)
Favorite video quotes:
"[In reference to sexy cat costumes] If you are attracted to cats in a sexual way that's gross. They're pets. Do you have sex with your pet!? NO!"
"It's called Halloween not 'Hello, hard weenie.'"
"KEEP YOUR TITS IN."
"Cop themes are always a hit. And you don't have to show any tits. They don't do that. Cops keep their tits in. Never seen a cop with tits out."
"Use your head not your tits."
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.
Also, because I'm in the video sharing kind of mood, please enjoy my favorite 80's jam, as I did this morning on the subway. ON REPEAT.
(Fun fact: my 11th grade physics teacher introduced me to this song.)
Have an excellent weekend and don't forget to dance.
KEEP THE INTERNET LOVE GOING ON AND ON AND ON.